Time keeps slip-slipping away here at hume lake. My stomach gets fluttery with excitement whenever I think about moving. When I think a little longer the flutterings of excitement turn into deep pits of fear and foreboding. Remember that peace or hope I was talking about? That's definitely on the back burner now. There's still hope in me, sure; that's the whole reason I'm doing this. But when I let myself imagine the future, all I see is endless uncertainty. I don't want to throw myself off this cliff! I don't even feel like I'm being pushed sometimes. I can hear everyone around me asking "What is wrong with you?" when they're really asking, "So, you and Austin are going to be how far away?" Then I put on a happy face and tell that infuriating incredulous undertone of theirs that everything is going to be fine. Let me worry about that, ok? I'm certainly worrying enough for all of us.
I don't even know if everything's going to be ok.
I know God will catch me, since He's the one asking me to do this. I'm just not sure we want the same things...ok, I know we don't want the same things. Hey God, bet you didn't realize that part where I was trying to manipulate my future, did you? Yeah, I'm pretty sharp.
Poop! I hate myself.
I have a lot of things to look forward to, like road-tripping with Haley and Josh and Austin, and getting to see Betsy pregnant in Austin, TX. But it's hard to look forward to something that's right before something you're not sure you're looking forward to. Uh, what?
I have so much to do, too, that's overwhelming. Finish applications, finish packing, finish my painting, do my laundry I haven't done in weeks, organize my room...
Cool, I'm going to go distract myself with something so I forget all this.
Maybe I'll get really really ill. Then, not only can I use up some of my sick time, but no one can expect me to get anything done.
Well, here's to hoping.
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