Looming Move

Time keeps slip-slipping away here at hume lake. My stomach gets fluttery with excitement whenever I think about moving. When I think a little longer the flutterings of excitement turn into deep pits of fear and foreboding. Remember that peace or hope I was talking about? That's definitely on the back burner now. There's still hope in me, sure; that's the whole reason I'm doing this. But when I let myself imagine the future, all I see is endless uncertainty. I don't want to throw myself off this cliff! I don't even feel like I'm being pushed sometimes. I can hear everyone around me asking "What is wrong with you?" when they're really asking, "So, you and Austin are going to be how far away?" Then I put on a happy face and tell that infuriating incredulous undertone of theirs that everything is going to be fine. Let me worry about that, ok? I'm certainly worrying enough for all of us.
I don't even know if everything's going to be ok.
I know God will catch me, since He's the one asking me to do this. I'm just not sure we want the same things...ok, I know we don't want the same things. Hey God, bet you didn't realize that part where I was trying to manipulate my future, did you? Yeah, I'm pretty sharp.
Poop! I hate myself.
I have a lot of things to look forward to, like road-tripping with Haley and Josh and Austin, and getting to see Betsy pregnant in Austin, TX. But it's hard to look forward to something that's right before something you're not sure you're looking forward to. Uh, what?
I have so much to do, too, that's overwhelming. Finish applications, finish packing, finish my painting, do my laundry I haven't done in weeks, organize my room...
Cool, I'm going to go distract myself with something so I forget all this.
Maybe I'll get really really ill. Then, not only can I use up some of my sick time, but no one can expect me to get anything done.
Well, here's to hoping.

Change, boatloads of change

Day after day; more of the same. While areas of my life scream for change, the squeakier wheels of my existence fear and loathe it. Change is hard, even when you can be sure a self-inflicted change is the right thing. I am almost never sure, but this time I am, and the result is me moving back in with my parents this coming fall. Back to good ole community college and job hunting. The upsides include getting to live with my little brother again, and hopefully following through with guitar lessons from him, and probably (sadly) getting tutored by him. Sometimes a younger brother can be a font of useful information. The downsides include, but are not limited to: missing Aurelio like crazy, having no steady income, doing homework, trying to get back in a student's frame of mind, relearning how to take orders from the parents, paying at least twice the rent I'm paying now, throwing away a ton of my stuff (which I admittedly don't need all of) and basically growing up in the most backward and humbling of ways.

It's kind of frightening how I've let my passion for art dwindle to a low pilot light ere now it was at least a steady burn on the stove top of life. It turns out laziness is a more dangerous thing than we all knew.
Anyway, I look forward to the future with some misgiving, but under all there is the peace of hope. This is all I can ask for.

Do not go gentle into that good night

It's too late for me to be on the computer, so if course I am. We go on vacation soon; a little too soon. I'm not completely packed. I'm incapable of packing the day before I have to.
That being said, I'm looking forward to hanging out with Aurelio's family for a while, and Easter is so close! Last year I spent Easter in Texas with my sisters. Sister time is too few and far-between.
I'll leave you with these words that have been a comfort to me lately:
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly powers, nor the present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor anything in all of creation can separate us from the love of God through Christ Jesus.